Friday, September 17, 2010

Headed over the pond

Hi there! I have been swamped this week preparing to head over to London, but I have only been swamped with the work side of this trip. It is Friday morning and I still don’t have a single thing packed. In fact I actually don’t even have my suitcase out yet either. I guess I’ll get to that tonight or tomorrow morning. In fact, I still have a fairly lengthy list of things that I need to buy before I can even start to pack. I’ll get there. I’ll be leaving Dallas Saturday evening around 7:30pm and arriving in London Sunday morning, about 10:30am. I am going to try and fit some tourist activities into the trip; however my primary focus will be work. I am going to see the Tower of London on Sunday and I am also going to check out Buckingham Palace and a few other palaces while I am there. I contemplated going to Stonehenge and I still might; however it is approximately 1 ½ hours from London. I return to Texas the following Saturday afternoon. I ask all of you to say a little prayer that I have safe travels.

There are still many of you that inquire daily as to how I am doing and I am very grateful for your concern. I still think about Ethan many times each day and I still mourn the fact that we will never get to know him here on Earth, but each day brings me a bit more peace that this just simply is the plan for us, the perfect plan for us. I know that the time will come when I can look back on this time and everything that happened and know that we are better off for this. My chief concern right now is getting me physically healthy again so that Jason and I can start trying to conceive again.

On to other things… anybody that knows me really well knows that I am a blog-oholic. I have many, many blogs that I follow and read weekly; however I have taken a serious break from all those blogs lately as most of the blogs I follow were about pregnant women or women with young babies. I did take a minute last night though and catch up on a few of my favorite blogs and I came across a story that touched me more than anything I have heard in a long time. It is about a young woman that after many miscarriages, including a loss at 21 weeks (exactly how far along I was when we lost Ethan), who finally delivered a healthy baby boy in early September. ONE VERY SHORT WEEK after birthing her baby boy Matthew, she passed away in her sleep from some unknown heart issue. The really touching part of the story is that a campaign has now been mobilized to provide this Dad and his baby boy Matthew with breast milk for the next year. It was this mother’s dream to be able to breastfeed her child someday and although she is no longer here, young mothers across the nation are spending time pumping, storing and shipping their breast milk across the country so that this young mother’s dream is realized, even if she isn’t here. Here are a few links to the stories-, I know that most of us do not have any breast milk to provide; however if everyone could take just a few minutes and lift this little family up in prayer. I CAN NOT imagine what that would be like to go through something so terrible and even with everything that has happened to us over the last 6-8 weeks at least I still have Jason here with me and I am very thankful for that. This new Dad finally has realized his dream of having a baby, but it is without his partner and best friend next to him.

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend and hopefully the next post will be full of some pictures of London. Chow!

Friday, September 10, 2010

John 8:12

"He that followeth Me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."

Thursday, September 9, 2010

It's been a week

It’s been about a week so I thought I would post an update. I’m starting to feel better, although I still have my moments. Once such moment came yesterday when the funeral home called to say that Ethan’s ashes would be ready to pick up in the next day or so. When a man and wife dream of the days they’ll spend with their children, this particular activity isn’t something you ever hope you have to face. But here we are. I’ve really spent a lot of time over the last two weeks thinking of all the wonderful blessings that I DO have in my life. Focusing on these things helps me to stay grounded and thankful, rather than sad and bitter. From the moment that all this started I have fervently prayed that my heart wouldn’t become bitter because I have always prided myself on the fact that I’m a “glass half-full” kind of person. I won’t pretend or suggest that hearing about pregnant women around me doesn’t leave me momentarily sad or jealous, because of course it does. And I probably even allow myself a quick question of why? Why did they deserve to have their baby grow whole in their bellies, while my baby wasn’t allowed such favor? But I quickly remind myself that Ethan is whole, healthy and happy. He just happens to not be here with us anymore.

Anyway, on to happier subjects. Who is ready for some football? I know I am. It is a valuable distraction for me right now, because hands down, it is my most favorite time of the year. High school, College or NFL.. I don’t care, just as long as it is football, I am happy. The camaraderie and pageantry is exponentially better with college football, especially Aggie football, but over the last 4-5 years I can’t discount the enjoyment I get when the Cowboys win!!! Today, with it being the first day of the NFL season, I am even thrilled to be watching the New Orleans/Minnesota game.

I leave for London in just over a week and I am not prepared yet at all. I did order a new coat for the trip though, so that is a good thing. I also purchased some warm “business casual” attire because I have gotten spoiled over the last year since I can practically wear my PJs to work every day if I wanted to. Several people have asked if I am excited about the trip and the resounding answer right now is NO! I am not excited about leaving my husband for that long. We aren’t the type of couple that spends all that much time apart (insert gagging sound here!). The fact is that when we discussed it we couldn’t recount a time over the last 5-6 years when we have been apart for this long, but I know that professionally it is a great opportunity for me so I know that when the time is upon me I will indeed be excited.

Till next time! Go Cowboys and Ags Beat the Hell out of Louisiana Tech!!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Absurdity of it all

I got a new cell phone last Friday before I went into the hospital. My other one had broken in 3 places, including a piece off the bottom that I lost completely, which exposed the inner-workings of my phone. The final kicker was that I am leaving for London in about 2 weeks for work and my phone would not work overseas. With everything that I was going through, the thought that I could be over there with no easy or convenient way to talk or text Jason made me break out in cold sweats, so it was time I upgraded my phone. I went into the AT&T store and luckily I had an upgrade available to me; however when you start talking “world” phones, your options become a bit limited. My options were the new Blackberry Torch, iPhone or the Samsung Captivate Galaxy S. All three are smart phones and all three have touch screens. Up to this point I have vehemently been against touch screens because I have fingernails and they make that whole touch screen thing much more difficult but I was sad and really didn’t care much about the phone I was choosing. I simply had to have a phone that would work in London. It basically came down to my husband. He told me that the BB Torch was getting horrible reviews and he detests iPhones, so I went with the Samsung Captivate Galaxy S. Upon setting up my new phone I turned my text to predictive text which means that over time it will “learn” my most commonly used words and prompt me with these when I start typing in an attempt to make my message creation much more efficient. I just went to create a text message to a friend and in the course of ONE text message I got prompted with the three following words: cremate, placenta and headstone. The absurdity that these three words would even be typed into my phone EVER, much less be deemed as “common” by my phone’s operating system is so morose and depressing that I had to chuckle a bit. Here’s to hoping that next week is a lot better than the previous week has been. Hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday weekend!

-“If God brings you to it- He will bring you through it!”


Thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come strait here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Update on Jason and I

I won’t be sending anymore emails alerting anyone that I’ve updated my blog, so if you wish to continue checking on Jason and I then you’ll just need to periodically come back and visit our blog. I do plan to continue to blog, even though it’s original intended purpose, my pregnancy, doesn’t exist anymore. I’m sure that most of you know what transpired over the last weekend and I really have no desire to rehash any of the specifics, but suffice it to say that it sucked and that is putting it mildly. Physically, I guess that it went as well as can be expected. I am recovering as expected and although not pleasant, it could be worse I suppose. Emotionally, I would say that it isn’t even a day by day thing, but really a minute by minute situation. I might feel ok one minute and 5 minutes later I might be full of despair. I suppose this is normal, but I hope and pray that each day it gets a bit easier. That is the only thing I can hold on to right now. It’s certainly the hardest and most difficult thing that Jason and I have ever had to endure. We hope that someday soon we can look back and find some positives or silver lining from all this pain we feel right now. I promise my blogs from now on won’t be completely dark and gloomy, but unfortunately that’s all I feel right now. Hopefully, there are sunnier days ahead. Jason and I are determined to forge ahead and find happiness again. Thank you to all of you that have sent us emails, flowers, text messages, phone calls, thoughts and prayers over the last month or so. They are all greatly appreciated and we are so thankful that we have such loving and supportive friends and family.

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." -Mother Teresa