Tuesday, August 9, 2011

1 Year Ago

1 year ago today I experienced what can only be described as the 2nd worst day of my life. I had my big 18 week ultrasound at my drs office but we were so confident that I didn’t even ask Jason to go. We had already paid for a private ultrasound so we knew our baby was a boy. We thought there was nothing else to be concerned with. How na├»ve were we? The ultrasound tech immediately noted that yes indeed our baby was a boy, after that I listened to her prattle on about his kidneys, spine, toes, fingers, heart, etc. It was a long 45 minute peak at our little boy and I was ecstatic. Afterwards, I popped in my drs office expecting a quick rundown of how I’m feeling and then I’d be on my way. But that was not to be. He comes in and sits down and says that they have detected fluid on little Ethan’s brain. Looking back, I should have known it was bad. The doctor did nothing to assuage my fears. There were no comforting words or words of encouragement that it might be fine. He already started throwing out medical jargon at the time that I knew nothing about, hydrocephalus and Dandy Walker. He was referring me to a perinatologist for further review. I left his office in tears. I called Jason and I was so hysterical at first I couldn’t get the words out. I called my  mom and then I headed back to work. The rest of the afternoon was a blur. We ended up seeing the peri that day, which should have also been a sign that things were very bad. That afternoon was filled with information overload and began the 3 weeks of hell trying to figure out EXACTLY what we were dealing with. We all know how that ended. I’ll never forget that day and yet here we are again- exactly one week from that dreaded “big” ultrasound.  A year ago I could never look forward to a time far enough ahead of us to see that there were still happy times ahead. Granted, this happiness is still tinged with a bit of fear, or maybe more than a just a bit. In fact, right now, it’s probably more accurately described as a whole lot of fear. But once again I’m looking ahead of us, looking to next Tuesday at approximately 4pm when the fear of the last year might finally be lifted. Whew, what a great feeling that could- WILL be!

1 comment:

  1. God works in mysterious ways. Amazing how one year ago we were rejoicing having a baby Ethan that wasn't meant to be and now we are rejoicing a new baby (girl) that is on the way. We are all truly blessed, and Ethan will live on in our hearts forever. I love you my darling daughter.