Update!

This week has been a rough week and I am glad to see it coming to a close. This whole span of time for me right now is rather bittersweet. One year ago on Monday, August 29^th, 2010, we lost our sweet baby Ethan. I don’t want to dwell too much on this and bemoan about how hard it all is. I think everyone can appreciate how hard it was/has been/is for us, even without me detailing out every feeling I experienced leading up to that day, that day and every day since. Regardless of whether we were able to bring Ethan home with us the fact is still that I became a mommy that day and Jason became the daddy of his second child. We will never forget him and always love him.

Moving on, today is September 1^st. For me it marks the beginning of Fall- my MOST favorite time of the year. In fact, this marks the beginning of my most favorite and second favorite time of the year. I love fall and winter. I love everything that fall brings- cooler temperatures, football!!!!!!!!, and family holidays. I love cold weather. I prefer it over hot weather ANY DAY and the last several years we have had great winters with very uncharacteristically winter like weather here in North Texas. I hope the trend continues this year! Our new house has this really awesome hill that would be perfect for sledding should we get any snow!!! 

 I also wanted to post my 17 week belly shot too, which was actually last Sunday, but better late than never. I’m also posting probably my last weekly belly comparison. It was at 18 weeks exactly that we found out Ethan had Dandy Walker. Although I carried him for another 3 ½ weeks the joy of pregnancy was pretty much sapped out of me after that so I didn’t continue the weekly tradition. Now all the belly pictures will be just of me and this baby.

1 Year Ago

1 year ago today I experienced what can only be described as the 2^nd worst day of my life. I had my big 18 week ultrasound at my drs office but we were so confident that I didn’t even ask Jason to go. We had already paid for a private ultrasound so we knew our baby was a boy. We thought there was nothing else to be concerned with. How naïve were we? The ultrasound tech immediately noted that yes indeed our baby was a boy, after that I listened to her prattle on about his kidneys, spine, toes, fingers, heart, etc. It was a long 45 minute peak at our little boy and I was ecstatic. Afterwards, I popped in my drs office expecting a quick rundown of how I’m feeling and then I’d be on my way. But that was not to be. He comes in and sits down and says that they have detected fluid on little Ethan’s brain. Looking back, I should have known it was bad. The doctor did nothing to assuage my fears. There were no comforting words or words of encouragement that it might be fine. He already started throwing out medical jargon at the time that I knew nothing about, hydrocephalus and Dandy Walker. He was referring me to a perinatologist for further review. I left his office in tears. I called Jason and I was so hysterical at first I couldn’t get the words out. I called my  mom and then I headed back to work. The rest of the afternoon was a blur. We ended up seeing the peri that day, which should have also been a sign that things were very bad. That afternoon was filled with information overload and began the 3 weeks of hell trying to figure out EXACTLY what we were dealing with. We all know how that ended. I’ll never forget that day and yet here we are again- exactly one week from that dreaded “big” ultrasound.  A year ago I could never look forward to a time far enough ahead of us to see that there were still happy times ahead. Granted, this happiness is still tinged with a bit of fear, or maybe more than a just a bit. In fact, right now, it’s probably more accurately described as a whole lot of fear. But once again I’m looking ahead of us, looking to next Tuesday at approximately 4pm when the fear of the last year might finally be lifted. Whew, what a great feeling that could- WILL be!