1 Year Ago

1 year ago today I experienced what can only be described as the 2^nd worst day of my life. I had my big 18 week ultrasound at my drs office but we were so confident that I didn’t even ask Jason to go. We had already paid for a private ultrasound so we knew our baby was a boy. We thought there was nothing else to be concerned with. How naïve were we? The ultrasound tech immediately noted that yes indeed our baby was a boy, after that I listened to her prattle on about his kidneys, spine, toes, fingers, heart, etc. It was a long 45 minute peak at our little boy and I was ecstatic. Afterwards, I popped in my drs office expecting a quick rundown of how I’m feeling and then I’d be on my way. But that was not to be. He comes in and sits down and says that they have detected fluid on little Ethan’s brain. Looking back, I should have known it was bad. The doctor did nothing to assuage my fears. There were no comforting words or words of encouragement that it might be fine. He already started throwing out medical jargon at the time that I knew nothing about, hydrocephalus and Dandy Walker. He was referring me to a perinatologist for further review. I left his office in tears. I called Jason and I was so hysterical at first I couldn’t get the words out. I called my  mom and then I headed back to work. The rest of the afternoon was a blur. We ended up seeing the peri that day, which should have also been a sign that things were very bad. That afternoon was filled with information overload and began the 3 weeks of hell trying to figure out EXACTLY what we were dealing with. We all know how that ended. I’ll never forget that day and yet here we are again- exactly one week from that dreaded “big” ultrasound.  A year ago I could never look forward to a time far enough ahead of us to see that there were still happy times ahead. Granted, this happiness is still tinged with a bit of fear, or maybe more than a just a bit. In fact, right now, it’s probably more accurately described as a whole lot of fear. But once again I’m looking ahead of us, looking to next Tuesday at approximately 4pm when the fear of the last year might finally be lifted. Whew, what a great feeling that could- WILL be!

The countdown begins!

2 weeks from today- AUGUST 16^th. The single most important day in our lives in a very long time! We will find out if this baby is healthy and without Dandy Walker. It is hopefully my last appointment with the perinatologist. If the baby’s brain looks good, then I will no longer be high-risk and there is no reason to see him further. I can resume my normal drs appts with Dr. Seligman without further need to have a specialist oversee my care. It means I will finally be able to breathe a little easier. It means that I will finally feel like this is real. It means that I will finally feel like I can dream of the day when we get to take this baby home with us.
 
I’m confident. I have to be. I’ve done all the research. I know the reoccurrence rate is very low- less than 5%. My head understands all that, but my heart won’t be completely at ease until that doctor looks at our baby’s brain and says that everything looks perfect. I know what it feels like to be the “lucky” (read: sucky!) winner of some incredibly crazy ass odds. We’ve been on the losing end of the  3 out of 10,000 type of odds. Is it too much to ask that we are spared this time around??? I hope not!

The countdown begins. 14 days…… tick, tock, tick tock….